B4U-ACT News Update – October 2012

Continuing in our efforts to provide face-to-face opportunities for MAPs and mental health professionals (MHPs) to better understand each other, B4U-ACT provided a workshop at the National Association of Social Workers, Maryland Chapter’s Fall Clinical Conference on September 28, 2012.  Two MAPs and two MHPs jointly presented a workshop entitled “Beyond Fear & Distrust: Dialogue About & With Mental Health Professionals and Minor-Attracted Persons” to 29 participants.  Post-workshop evaluations indicated that on 5 different criteria, 86-93% of participants rated the session as “Excellent” or “Good.” Comments included: “Very beneficial workshop. Due to high level of discussion around topic, might want to make this an all-day workshop and/or keynote speech discussion.”  “Excellent, thoughtful, heartfelt presentation.”  “Glad NASW took the risk to present this! VERY worthwhile!”

B4U-ACT considers in-person dialog an indispensable component to dismantling Marvel Comics-grade representations of MAPs in the public psyche. Since 2008, we’ve coordinated six annual workshops inviting MAPs and MHPs to convene on neutral territory to discuss the biases, apprehensions, and other obstacles to achieving mutual understanding between the two groups. Sadly, economic cutbacks in 2010 that resulted in the loss of B4U-ACT’s state funding have prevented us from carrying those dialogs forward; however, the funds necessary to reinstate this crucial initiative are comparatively modest compared to what one might expect — nothing a band of compassionate, progressive thinkers couldn’t spare!

Please consider lending a voice to a community all too often spoken for by popular opinion and redefining the treatment paradigm by helping provide clinicians and therapists a face-to-face alternative to the unknown quantity.

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I am now in my mid 40s, living in Australia. I first realized I was attracted to the junior male form when I was around 12 or 13 and hoped it was just a phase I was going through. As I became older, it soon became apparent that I was attracted only to boys younger than me.

I kept my feelings to myself for many years. When I was 18, I watched a TV program that provided a help line for minor-attracted people, but when I called the number, there was no specific help available in my local area. The operator suggested I visit my local doctor instead. I had no confidence my doctor could help me, so my search for help stalled.

When I was in my mid-20s, I read (or possibly misread) a signal from a 13-year-old boy I was close to that developed into a sexual relationship, my first ever. The result was a criminal conviction and probation.

I came out to my parents and my sister before my trial. I wanted them to hear it from me rather than to read it in the local paper. They supported me and continue to support me.

Before the court case, I met the mother of a friend of the boy’s. She was a very understanding and compassionate single mother of four boys. After her sons told her about my past, I came out to her and she supported me through my trial. When her boys went to live with her ex-partner, she came to live with me. We became close and even though I am not attracted to the female form, we had a child together. We will soon celebrate 10 years of marriage. To this day, it still surprises me that I am in this relationship, as I never thought I would ever be married and have a child of my own!

With my legal problems behind me, I was scared that I might again become too attached to a boy and began pushing away any that I felt I was getting too close to. This included my four step-sons, who eventually came to live with us.

Through personal development and the support of friends, I was able to forgive myself for what happened in my 20s. I learned to trust others and in the process, to trust myself. I also came to accept that being a minor-attracted person (MAP) was how I was born, that I couldn’t change it but that I could make my own decisions about my behaviour. Being able to connect and talk honestly and openly with non-MAP men about these attractions was life-changing for me and the positive effect on my mental health was huge.

I have now come out as an MAP to quite a few trusted friends and want to change the commonly held beliefs about us. If everyone had a son, brother, cousin, uncle, or friend whom they trusted and admired and who was able to explain to them what it is like to be an MAP, I believe that is what would make a difference to how we are perceived.

I should point out that I took a risk each time I came out to someone, but this was a risk I thought was acceptable for me and my situation at the time. So far this has worked for me, but this may not suit everyone.

Without professional help, it took me nearly 30 years from the time I realized I was attracted to minors, to feeling comfortable with who I am.

I am convinced that if there had been some professional help readily available to me as a young adult, then I would have come to terms with and managed my feelings for boys much sooner. It is also likely that rather than searching for answers for much of my life, I would have been happier and more confident.

Over the last few years I have become involved in some local men’s groups. I have shared about my own past and heard about challenges other men have faced. This has helped me gain some perspective and realise the challenges I have faced are not especially unique even though my attractions may be.

In many ways, and for much of my life, I let my attraction to boys define who I am. More recently, I am able to see myself as a husband and father, and professional in my work.
Keeping busy stops me feeling sorry for myself and besides work and family, I attend and help run men’s weekends, help with some local sustainability initiatives, and enjoy motorcycling, photography and travel.

If you can relate to anything I wrote here then I hope that this helps you realize you are, in fact, not alone.

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I’m a 21 year old guy attracted to girls between the ages of 4-11. Towards girls younger than 5, it’s almost entirely an emotional attraction. I have this great affection for them and want to protect and care for them. As they get older, they become more attractive and the emotions start to feel more romantic as well as protective.

This all started when I was 13 and I began working in the 2-3 year old class at my church. I really enjoyed it and soon discovered that I had a talent working with kids. Looking back I can see my attraction starting around that time although it wasn’t until I was 16 that I really noticed that I was attracted to children and not until 18 that I finally admitted to myself that I was an MAP. With that realization, at that point in my life, I spiraled down into depression.

Throughout my adolescence I kept doing volunteer work with younger kids. The mentality I had was that I was only sexually attracted to older girls so if I avoided them there would be no problems. However, one day I was even more depressed than usual because it was my birthday and I had no friends to celebrate it with. While I was at church in the pre-K class, a girl I had a protective “crush” on was being extremely adorable, I just wanted to hug her and know that someone cared about me. I didn’t do anything inappropriate but it was then that I started to think that this was a problem.

I reached out to some people I knew online (non-MAPs) and told them about my attractions. A few stopped talking to me, however I did find one person who was willing to stick with me and help me figure all this out and it changed everything. I was finally able to talk about my feelings and all that I was going through. I also reached out to other MAPs and eventually had a large group of people that I talked to almost every day. With their help, I began to accept myself and slowly the weight of my minor attraction lifted. While I’m still very much attracted to children, it is now much easier to manage and live with.

Now at 21 years of age, I’m studying hard in college and am transferring to a four year university in the fall and will be living in the dorms. I’m very excited about meeting new people and making new friends. Aside from helping kids, I also enjoy reading, playing video games, and spending time with my family. I still struggle with hiding such a huge secret from everyone I know, although I confided in my brother and sister and they’ve both been very supportive of me. I’m so thankful for that. My life isn’t perfect, but I feel that things are finally moving in a positive direction. I finally have hope for the future.

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I’m a minor-attracted person (MAP). As I write this in 2012, I’m in my late 50s. I thought of myself as a normal hetero guy until about the age of 54 or so. I was married for 16 years and am now divorced with a steady girlfriend (roughly my same age) for the past 8 years. I have been passionately attracted to adult women, so I am luckier than many.

However, signs have been there all along. I’ve always preferred women who looked more child-like and retained a playful and child-like personality. Young girls, on the other hand, make my heart soar. Even if they are being difficult and unpleasant, I can patiently accept that and still feel affection.

Up until I was about age 30, children in general and girls in particular were a mystery to me, being the younger of two brothers and having no other children in my life. Then my ex-wife and I had two daughters, and everything changed. I was an involved parent, spending a lot of time with my daughters and their friends. I really ‘got’ children, understood their feelings and respected them, and they in turn liked me. I knew I felt a deep tenderness and affection for them, but my pedophilia was obscured because parents often feel that way towards children. But the signs were there. While I felt a special love for my daughters, I felt a different romantic attraction for their girl friends.

I was quite conventional in all things sexual up until the age of 54 or so. Faced with an empty nest, free time, and mid-life unease, I spent a lot of time figuring out my sexuality. I had a revelation that I was attracted to girls well below puberty, but my protective instincts towards the girls has led me to repress the sexual and romantic nature of my attraction. For example, I recently saw a movie that began with a still photo of a girl. I thought she was sexually attractive, until the still photo became a real girl with personality and issues to face. The sexual attraction vanished and was replaced by compassion for her story.

I used to volunteer with younger children, even as my own girls went into middle school, but have since stopped, because I found the interactions more frustrating than satisfying. This is unfortunate because I know the kids were nurtured by my love and attention.

That is the major downside to my attraction: the isolation. I am lucky to have a therapist I can talk with freely about it, but there is no one else in my life that I can trust in that way. There is a whole side to my life I cannot share with my girlfriend or broader social network. I also feel alienated from a society that hates me for my thoughts. Perhaps someday, I’ll find another MAP in the greater Boston area who could be a real friend and ease my sense of isolation.

Sexuality comes in many forms. While my preferred form can only be practiced privately and alone, I can still appreciate the joy it gives me.

My life has been far more than the romantic and sexual aspects. I already mentioned my daughters. I have also had a successful career in high tech, been involved with a liberal religious congregation, and taken an activist role in politics. Puzzles and games, nature, and dancing are a few hobbies. I read widely and am also an amateur writer.

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I am in my late twenties and have been aware since around the age of thirteen that I have an attraction to younger girls.

My first recollection of this involved a girl of ten when I was thirteen. Even though we were fairly close in age I remember knowing that I couldn’t just ask this girl out on a date the same way I could with my junior high peers. So at that point in my young life, I was already making an unconscious distinction between “teenager” and “kid.”

The word pedophile didn’t pop into my head right then and there, but as the years passed by and I reached my late teens but was still noticing ten-year-old girls, I knew then that the word fit. Around that time, I had been writing a story for an English class with a protagonist that clearly had feelings for a young girl.   Not wanting to raise the suspicions of my English teacher, I had the narrator state that he is not a pedophile, but I knew as I was writing it that in real life, I was.

Growing up, my attractions felt like a special little secret. It would always make me happy when I saw pretty little girls, whether they were friends of the family, kids in lower grades, little sisters of friends, or young girls on TV and commercials. I still never had much experience with intimate relations as I grew older and would even keep my feelings for “age-appropriate” girls to myself, because I was a naturally private person. I wasn’t really vocal about anyone I was attracted to, especially the much younger ones. I always knew that I wasn’t the kind of person typically portrayed in the media; however, I sometimes thought I was the only one of my orientation with genuine loving feelings for younger people.

When I was in my early twenties, I had been looking for pictures of a little girl who was in a short film that I had recently watched. There weren’t many online, but she was briefly mentioned on a site dedicated to people attracted to young girls, and so for the first time, I was able to share my interest with others like myself. This was an incredibly happy and exciting time for me, as I first started to realize I was not alone.

At times my fondness for younger people has felt like a hobby. I enjoy reading stories and watching movies about youth –their struggles, triumphs, discoveries, and explorations. I have my favorite little girl celebrities that I try to find photos of, rent all the movies they’ve been in that I can find, or watch television interviews that they’ve done.

I’ve had other interests and passions in my life too. I’m a science fiction fan and have collected comic books for years. Occasionally I’ll write my own stories, and even though I’ve never tried to have anything published, the desire to do so has always been in the back of my mind. I’ve had friendships that have come and gone, and a very caring family that I love very much, including extended relatives of mine that I consider good friends.

I work in a retail store frequented by families, and the girls who come in just brighten my day. Even though I rarely say a word to them, it’s still a delight and treat to see them. Over the years, I’ve watched some little kids grow up into beautiful mature young women, and I know that as time passes, there will always be a part of me that will wonder where they are or how they’re doing, even though they will always remain total strangers.

I do know one girl that I only get to see around once a year, she always enjoys spending time with me when she visits. We play with legos and stuffed animals or collect insects in the backyard. She enjoys my company a lot and gives me a hug every time I first see her. Each year, I worry she will have forgotten about me, but then she’ll walk up to me after having greeted everyone else in my family and give me a second hug, probably not thinking twice about it, just a casual second hug, but it still means  a lot to me.

I can picture her letting people know about how kind and caring I was with her, how respected and safe she felt. I wish perhaps a video like that could exist to help spread the word to people about all those like me with a gentle and caring soul. Even though such a message will likely never be made because my orientation will always remain secret, I take comfort in knowing that I have always been and will continue to be a positive influence in her life and possibly the lives of other young people as I grow older, and that’s what really matters to me.

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B4U-ACT Issues Statement for World Suicide Prevention Day

Advocates of Stigma Contribute to Suicide

With the approach of World Suicide Prevention Day this Saturday, it’s time to address a contributing factor to suicide that’s been taboo far too long—especially since a small group of ideologues is fighting to suppress discussion and worsen the problem.

Most of us know that stigmatizing people for something they did not choose is harmful and unjust. Intense stigma can contribute to suicide risk and prevent people from getting help.

Many people face intense stigma about their sexuality. No one chooses who they are emotionally and sexually attracted to. Instead, they discover it, usually in early adolescence. Most of us are aware that gay teens often discover their orientation in middle or high school, and that the stigma they face may increase their suicide risk.

There’s an additional reality that may be hard to accept, but that must be faced if we’re serious about combating suicide. Some adolescents discover they’re preferentially attracted to children or younger adolescents, and this stays with them throughout their lives. Most of us want to believe that only older adults have such feelings, but sexual feelings don’t suddenly appear in adulthood. Experts estimate that in puberty, 1% to 7% of all boys first experience preferential attraction to younger children that will be lifelong. In a recent survey,* adults attracted to children or young adolescents reported they first experienced these feelings at a median age of 13.

It’s crucial to distinguish between feelings and behavior. Research suggests that many, maybe most, people attracted to children or adolescents do not act on these feelings. Certainly most youths who discover they’re attracted to younger children haven’t acted on those feelings.

Stigma puts these teenagers—and the adults they may grow into—at risk for suicide, and makes them afraid to seek help. Almost half the survey respondents had seriously considered suicide—at a median age of 19—and 13% attempted it. A growing number of teens attracted to children are seeking anonymous support at online mental health forums. One 15-year-old recently posted that he felt like killing himself and couldn’t talk to anyone in real life about it.

This is why a Westminster, Maryland organization is working to end the secrecy, fear, and lack of knowledge surrounding the issue. Through workshops and conferences, B4U-ACT facilitates discussion among clinicians, researchers, and law-abiding minor-attracted people. Attendees at its symposium last month in Baltimore called it “eye-opening,” “valuable,” and “impressive.” One clinician praised it on her university’s listserv, and another decided he wanted to serve minor-attracted clients. Psychologists and parents who didn’t attend but have dealt with the issue first-hand wrote to thank B4U-ACT for its work.

But over the past three weeks the symposium has been attacked by a small group of writers opposed to sexuality research and gay rights. One of them is Judith Reisman, who over the past three decades has become well-known for her wild, reckless, and unsubstantiated accusations against the gay movement and the entire field of sexuality research. Her like-minded colleague Matthew Barber recently drew public criticism for blaming suicide among gay youth on the youth themselves. Both are now using distortions and fabrications to mischaracterize the purpose of B4U-ACT and its symposium. They hide the fact that most symposium attendees advocated compassion for minor-attracted people while rejecting adult-minor sexual interaction. Reisman and Barber’s misinformation is being propagated uncritically by writers and bloggers sympathetic to their ideology.

These writers violate basic humanitarian principles. They attempt to suppress information and impede rational discussion by diverting attention from the problem and inflaming fear. They encourage hating both the sin and the sinner. Worst of all, they advocate condemning, stigmatizing, and removing from society a segment of the population—including young teenagers—for feelings (not behavior) they did not choose. Their approach would drive people further into hiding, putting both them and children at risk.

Unfortunately, a popular mainstream commentator has endorsed a similar response. While acknowledging some merits of B4U-ACT’s work, in a recent article Keith Ablow repeated misinformation about B4U-ACT’s goals, explicitly rejected attempts at understanding, and advocated stigmatization. But stigmatizing people’s feelings doesn’t make them go away, and driving them “out of mainstream consciousness into the shadows,“ as Ablow advocates, only results in widespread ignorance and endangers children and youth.

We must resist fear-mongering calls to silence discussion and increase stigmatization. To combat suicide effectively, the best policy is clear: create an atmosphere where it is safe for those at risk—and those who care about them—to talk honestly about it.

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B4U-ACT Holds Scientific Symposium on Pedophilia and DSM

Today in Baltimore, Maryland, B4U-ACT brought together a range of clinicians, researchers, academics, and minor-attracted persons to discuss key issues regarding the entry for pedophilia in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) of the American Psychiatric Association. The purpose of the meeting was to promote a more comprehensive and accurate DSM. This first symposium of its kind was a success, as 38 people participated in discussion of stimulating presentations by nine distinguished speakers.

The foundation of the symposium was B4U-ACT’s position that the DSM should be based on accurate information about people in the general population. It should be “sensitive to the needs of clinicians and their patients” (as advocated by the APA). Minor-attracted people should be involved in its revision (also advocated by the APA).

B4U-ACT believes that everyone benefits when a variety of reasoned perspectives is heard. Therefore, speakers were allowed to express their views freely and openly. B4U-ACT does not necessarily endorse all of the views expressed. Our policy of free and open expression is in support of the APA’s position that DSM revisions should involve input from “diverse perspectives, disciplines, and areas of expertise,” and that “patient and family” groups be involved. Speakers and attendees specialized in psychiatry, ethics, psychology, philosophy, social work, linguistics, and gender studies.

This kind of scholarly interaction is necessary in light of the numerous unresolved issues raised about the proposed DSM revisions by scholars, researchers, and minor-attracted people. Controversy has arisen over scientific issues, conceptual issues, the purpose of the DSM (to promote mental health vs. social control), and consequences of the DSM entry for society and the people being diagnosed. Information about these controversies can be found at:

www.b4uact.org/science/symp/2011/refs.htm#crit and

Speakers addressed a diverse range of crucial issues related to the DSM, and discussion was lively. Keynote speaker Dr. Fred Berlin (of Johns Hopkins University) provided a conceptual overview of pedophilia from a psychiatric viewpoint, and argued in favor of acceptance of and compassion for people who are attracted to minors, while at the same time rejecting adult-minor sexual activity. Dr. John Sadler (University of Texas) argued that diagnostic criteria for mental disorders should not be based on concepts of vice since such concepts are subject to shifting social attitudes and doing so diverts mental-health professionals from their role as healers. Dr. Nancy Potter (University of Louisville) analyzed the concept of “uptake” — that is, genuine listening — and argued that by giving uptake to minor-attracted people, those revising the DSM would strengthen DSM-5 and contribute to more ethical treatment, but that minor-attracted people must exhibit accuracy and sincerity in their testimony. Dr. Lisa Cohen (Albert Einstein College of Medicine) presented data on the psychological correlates of pedophilia based on forensic samples, and argued that use of non-forensic samples would help researchers separate factors related to feelings of attraction from those related to behavior, and support the development of improved diagnostic systems.

In the afternoon, Dr. Renee Sorrentino (Harvard Medical School) discussed legal, ethical, and medical consequences of the proposed DSM-5 entry for pedohebephilia. Andrew Hinderliter (University of Illinois) argued that the medicalization of social deviance blurs the boundary between the helping professions and the criminal justice system, creating the potential for psychiatry to become a means of controlling undesirables, rather than an agent of healing. Jacob Breslow (London School of Economics and Political Science) challenged assumptions about minors and sexuality which currently underlie policymaking and the DSM. Richard Kramer (the only speaker representing B4U-ACT), analyzed sources of stigma in the DSM, presented survey data regarding MAPs’ feelings of stigma, and provided recommendations for revising the DSM to reduce stigma.

B4U-ACT is a 501(c)(3) organization that promotes communication and collaboration among minor-attracted persons, mental health professionals, and researchers. Its mission is to increase the availability of accurate information about minor-attracted persons and mental health services that focus on their mental health needs. Inaccurate negative stereotypes force minor-attracted people into hiding, leave young adolescents who are attracted to children hopeless with nowhere to turn, and do nothing to protect children. We have received emails from teenagers as young as 15 who were engaged in self-harming behavior or threatening suicide, and could talk to no one about it, because they were attracted to children. Making welcoming, informed, and empathetic mental health services available is the goal of B4U-ACT.

For more details about the symposium, see https://www.b4uact.org/research/past-symposium/. Please direct any questions to B4U-ACT director of operations Richard Kramer at rkramer@b4uact.org.

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