2

Sterling

I’m a minor-attracted person (MAP). As I write this in 2012, I’m in my late 50s. I thought of myself as a normal hetero guy until about the age of 54 or so. I was married for 16 years and am now divorced with a steady girlfriend (roughly my same age) for the past 8 years. I have been passionately attracted to adult women, so I am luckier than many.

However, signs have been there all along. I’ve always preferred women who looked more child-like and retained a playful and child-like personality. Young girls, on the other hand, make my heart soar. Even if they are being difficult and unpleasant, I can patiently accept that and still feel affection.

Up until I was about age 30, children in general and girls in particular were a mystery to me, being the younger of two brothers and having no other children in my life. Then my ex-wife and I had two daughters, and everything changed. I was an involved parent, spending a lot of time with my daughters and their friends. I really ‘got’ children, understood their feelings and respected them, and they in turn liked me. I knew I felt a deep tenderness and affection for them, but my pedophilia was obscured because parents often feel that way towards children. But the signs were there. While I felt a special love for my daughters, I felt a different romantic attraction for their girl friends.

I was quite conventional in all things sexual up until the age of 54 or so. Faced with an empty nest, free time, and mid-life unease, I spent a lot of time figuring out my sexuality. I had a revelation that I was attracted to girls well below puberty, but my protective instincts towards the girls has led me to repress the sexual and romantic nature of my attraction. For example, I recently saw a movie that began with a still photo of a girl. I thought she was sexually attractive, until the still photo became a real girl with personality and issues to face. The sexual attraction vanished and was replaced by compassion for her story.

I used to volunteer with younger children, even as my own girls went into middle school, but have since stopped, because I found the interactions more frustrating than satisfying. This is unfortunate because I know the kids were nurtured by my love and attention.

That is the major downside to my attraction: the isolation. I am lucky to have a therapist I can talk with freely about it, but there is no one else in my life that I can trust in that way. There is a whole side to my life I cannot share with my girlfriend or broader social network. I also feel alienated from a society that hates me for my thoughts. Perhaps someday, I’ll find another MAP in the greater Boston area who could be a real friend and ease my sense of isolation.

Sexuality comes in many forms. While my preferred form can only be practiced privately and alone, I can still appreciate the joy it gives me.

My life has been far more than the romantic and sexual aspects. I already mentioned my daughters. I have also had a successful career in high tech, been involved with a liberal religious congregation, and taken an activist role in politics. Puzzles and games, nature, and dancing are a few hobbies. I read widely and am also an amateur writer.

Comments(2)

  1. Reply
    Sean says

    Hello Sterling, this was written quite a long time ago, but as I write this is 2016, I am 22. I am also an MAP, and have known so since I was 13, becoming particularly painfully aware of the ramifications of it when I was 15. The isolation definitely is one of the most difficult aspects of this whole thing to deal with, as there is no one that I can actually talk to who knows what it is like to deal with something like this. I have (and continue to) struggle with depression and suicidal thoughts, largely as a result of who I am, and a lack of hope that things could be better in the future. I am actually in the Boston area now, as well (Cambridge attending grad school). I know that this is a shot in the dark, as it has been so long since you submitted this story, but if you are still in Boston and would like to talk to someone else that is similar (though certainly in different walks of life), please feel free to email me. Just in case the email doesn’t display from where I entered it into the comment submission, please feel free to email me anytime at sacrificial_shaun@yahoo.com
    I hope that life is treating you well since you commented; isolation is about the worst kind of torture that the universe has come up with.

    • Reply
      Shea Taylor says

      Hey Sean, I believe Sterling was able to get in touch with other Minor-Attracted People. If you are looking for other MAPs to talk with yourself, you should join our peer support group: http://www.b4uact.org/attracted-to-minors/peer-support/. I hope to see you there!

Post a comment