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Matthew

I am in my late twenties and have been aware since around the age of thirteen that I have an attraction to younger girls.

My first recollection of this involved a girl of ten when I was thirteen. Even though we were fairly close in age I remember knowing that I couldn’t just ask this girl out on a date the same way I could with my junior high peers. So at that point in my young life, I was already making an unconscious distinction between “teenager” and “kid.”

The word pedophile didn’t pop into my head right then and there, but as the years passed by and I reached my late teens but was still noticing ten-year-old girls, I knew then that the word fit. Around that time, I had been writing a story for an English class with a protagonist that clearly had feelings for a young girl.   Not wanting to raise the suspicions of my English teacher, I had the narrator state that he is not a pedophile, but I knew as I was writing it that in real life, I was.

Growing up, my attractions felt like a special little secret. It would always make me happy when I saw pretty little girls, whether they were friends of the family, kids in lower grades, little sisters of friends, or young girls on TV and commercials. I still never had much experience with intimate relations as I grew older and would even keep my feelings for “age-appropriate” girls to myself, because I was a naturally private person. I wasn’t really vocal about anyone I was attracted to, especially the much younger ones. I always knew that I wasn’t the kind of person typically portrayed in the media; however, I sometimes thought I was the only one of my orientation with genuine loving feelings for younger people.

When I was in my early twenties, I had been looking for pictures of a little girl who was in a short film that I had recently watched. There weren’t many online, but she was briefly mentioned on a site dedicated to people attracted to young girls, and so for the first time, I was able to share my interest with others like myself. This was an incredibly happy and exciting time for me, as I first started to realize I was not alone.

At times my fondness for younger people has felt like a hobby. I enjoy reading stories and watching movies about youth –their struggles, triumphs, discoveries, and explorations. I have my favorite little girl celebrities that I try to find photos of, rent all the movies they’ve been in that I can find, or watch television interviews that they’ve done.

I’ve had other interests and passions in my life too. I’m a science fiction fan and have collected comic books for years. Occasionally I’ll write my own stories, and even though I’ve never tried to have anything published, the desire to do so has always been in the back of my mind. I’ve had friendships that have come and gone, and a very caring family that I love very much, including extended relatives of mine that I consider good friends.

I work in a retail store frequented by families, and the girls who come in just brighten my day. Even though I rarely say a word to them, it’s still a delight and treat to see them. Over the years, I’ve watched some little kids grow up into beautiful mature young women, and I know that as time passes, there will always be a part of me that will wonder where they are or how they’re doing, even though they will always remain total strangers.

I do know one girl that I only get to see around once a year, she always enjoys spending time with me when she visits. We play with legos and stuffed animals or collect insects in the backyard. She enjoys my company a lot and gives me a hug every time I first see her. Each year, I worry she will have forgotten about me, but then she’ll walk up to me after having greeted everyone else in my family and give me a second hug, probably not thinking twice about it, just a casual second hug, but it still means  a lot to me.

I can picture her letting people know about how kind and caring I was with her, how respected and safe she felt. I wish perhaps a video like that could exist to help spread the word to people about all those like me with a gentle and caring soul. Even though such a message will likely never be made because my orientation will always remain secret, I take comfort in knowing that I have always been and will continue to be a positive influence in her life and possibly the lives of other young people as I grow older, and that’s what really matters to me.

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